19 Ways to Remember a Loved One Who Passed Away

You can mourn too long. And you can move on too soon. As the years pass by, you may struggle to know how to remember a loved one who passed away. You find a new relationship, or you fear that grief burdens your friends, or you feel old wounds reawaken. So, what do you do?

Seneca, a Stoic philosopher of Ancient Rome, told us not to allow the joy we derived from knowing our loved ones pass away along with them. “To have may be taken away from us, to have had, never.”

I’ve been there. I understand how tough it can be. Here are some ideas you can use for inspiration to keep the enjoyment alive. Some can be easily combined; most involve getting together with family and friends. I’ll start with one that’s too often overlooked.

1. Visit their grave.

It may seem daunting to enter a cemetery. What if it conjures up anguish, sorrow, and pain? There will be sadness, but you will find a healing balm at the grave. I know your loved one isn’t there, but it’s where you laid them to rest, and it’s where your heart stored your last memory of them.

I discovered the significance of visiting a grave when I was a kid. My dad took me to an old family cemetery. Grass and weeds towered over the tombstones, sending us on an expedition in search of my grandfather’s grave. When we found it, my dad got down on his knees and started pulling the grass, cutting it by hand. I helped. We piled the pulled grass next to a fence about thirty feet away. After an hour, we had cleared an area about six feet by six feet, a lawn mower would not have left a better manicure. Then my dad started telling me stories, memories about his dad. I can still feel the love between a dad and his son, between him and his dad, between me and my dad.

2. Do something they enjoyed, or something you enjoyed together.

Did they like to go to concerts? walks in the park? hiking? shopping? sightseeing? Whatever it was, resist the temptation to push that activity out of your life. Take someone with you. My wife and I call it “redeeming a memory.” Renew the happiness and pleasure by enjoying it with a friend. You’re not replacing the memory—you’re enriching it.

3. Visit their favorite place.

My dad enjoyed returning to his homeplace. I often go back to the farm and the pond and the woods and the “big rock.” I remember my dad seeing the “big rock” and saying, “Either this rock shrank or I got bigger; I used to be able to stand up straight under there.”

Your loved one’s favorite place might be a beach, a park, or a museum. Visit it and think about what made it special. Don’t be afraid to cry. Let yourself miss them.

4. Hold a memorial service or party (even years after their funeral).

Invite friends and family who knew your loved one, as well as those who didn’t. Let your new friends get to know the person you love and miss while your old friends reminisce and recall special moments. Funerals often become a time to share fond remembrances. Why do we have to limit that to just once? Enjoy food, drinks, and stories. Cry together. Laugh together. Love each other.

5. Release balloons.

Another party, another chance to surround yourself with friends. Give a helium-filled balloon to each person and have them write something on it: name, song title, description, date, any reminder of your loved one. Tie all the balloons together, and release them as everyone cheers and screams in wild, hilarious celebration. Silence will probably follow as the balloons float out of sight. Pray or sing together. You’ll be amazed at the bond formed by such a simple ceremony.

6. Listen to their favorite song or singer.

Create a playlist of all their favorites. Make the songs a tribute to the one you wish you could see one more time. Listen as you start your day, as you drive, as you work out, as you cook and clean, as you fall asleep. Instead of enduring a gut-punch that sours your mood when a song unexpectedly plays on the radio, let the songs lift you up and sweeten your memory.

7. Watch their favorite movie or read their favorite book.

We all have that one movie or book that we watch or read again and again. You may be the only one who knows what made it special. Or you may not know what their favorite was. If not, call another friend who knew them and find out. Then, watch and read as if you were sharing it with them one more time.

8. Look through old photos.

You can do this with a friend or family member, or you can do it by yourself. A flood of emotion will fill your mind and heart as you see moments and memories captured in time. Vacations, holidays, trips, graduations, birthdays, everything special enough to call for a picture. It meant something then; it will mean even more now.

9. Plant a tree, shrub, or flowers.

Find a special spot in your yard, or a public park that allows it, and plant something in honor of your loved one. As it blossoms, the memorial will be a reminder of your love, a retelling of your longing, and a recalling of their legacy.

10. Donate something in their memory.

Maybe there’s a charity that meant something to them. My late wife had a special love for the work of the Billy Graham Library. My daughters and I donated to have a brick paver placed on the walkway in her memory. The brick honors her and continues the ministry of sharing the gospel. Whenever we return, it reminds us of a mother’s love for her Savior.

11. Go to their favorite restaurant.

Aristotle said, “To be a friend to someone you must eat a sack of salt together.” He didn’t mean you literally eat salt with someone and miraculously become friends. Over time, with each meal, with each pinch of salt, you add another piece of history that evolves into a priceless friendship.

Some people stop eating at their loved one’s favorite restaurant because they fear the stab of sorrow. Don’t let that stop you. Go enjoy it again.

12. Cook their favorite food.

Find a friend for this one. Cook together and eat together. Share some salt. Let the memories of one relationship become the mold for another. Even if it’s not your favorite food—especially if it’s not your favorite—make it special.

13. Write them a letter.

Maybe you didn’t have a chance to tell them goodbye, or you want to tell them you miss them. Maybe you need to forgive them for something, or you need to ask for their forgiveness. Write them a letter. Will they read it? Is there some kind of—I don’t know—supernatural or spiritual means of communication? It doesn’t matter. Release emotions that are tangled and trapped inside you. Rob fear and terror of their power. Restore peace and hope in your heart.

14. Write a letter to someone else about them.

You could write to someone you don’t see often, perhaps a distant relative. But don’t overlook the value of a letter to children who have grown up, or future grandchildren. Memories, pictures, poems, scripture verses, anything that tells the story of a person they may not remember and may never have met but long to know.

15. Write a poem or song about them.

Anyone can write a poem. It doesn’t matter if you’re a writer or not. It doesn’t even have to rhyme. No one is going to read it. This one is for you. If you want to share it with someone else that’s fine, but pour out your heart as you scribble and sing.

16. Create a memorial scrapbook.

Is scrapbooking still a thing? Craft stores are dedicating less and less space to it, but that’s okay. Gather the little things you find scattered around: tickets, pictures, notes, letters, cards, clippings, flyers. Put them together in a book. Those treasures were significant to your loved one, and saved for you too.

17. Throw a party on their birthday.

Their birthday can be melancholy and pensive, but it’s a day to commemorate your loved one’s life. If they hadn’t been born you would never have known them and loved them. You might not have your children if not for them. You wouldn’t be here without your parents or grandparents. Throw the biggest party yet. Celebrate their birthday!

18. Write a brief biography about them.

Again, you don’t have to be a writer. I’m not suggesting that you write a book. Try for three hundred words. Just write down who they were, how you met them, what they meant to you, and why you miss them. I promise you’ll be glad you did.

19. Pray and thank God for what they meant to you.

The Bible tells us, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants (Psalm 116:15). He’s close to the brokenhearted, and he’s with us in the dark valley of death (Psalm 34:18, 23:4). God understands. God was standing with you at the open grave. God was beside the hospital bed when you held her hand. God was in the nursery when you said goodbye before you got to say hello. God was there when age made her forget your name. God knows. He always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails.

I hope you’ll try some of these suggestions. You might fear grief and lament, but you’ll find grace and love.

Come back and comment below to let me know how it goes. Share your ideas too. I would love to hear from you.

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Top photo by britt gaiser on Unsplash