12 Comments You Should Never Make to Someone Grieving

Sometimes we want to offer support and comfort. Other times we want to show how thoughtful, theological, and intellectual we are. But whether it’s heartfelt warmth or haughty wisdom, we find ourselves not knowing the right words to say when someone is grieving. It’s intimidating, daunting, unnerving. We mean well and we try our best, but we stammer and stumble and falter and fail.

So what do we do? How do we know what the grieving person needs? Where do we find guidelines or rules or expectations?

When seeking counsel, we often turn to our computers and smartphones. (You may be reading this now because of a search engine recommendation.) Our own experience with loss certainly should guide us. But nothing is better than the ultimate source of wisdom: The Bible. And my suggestion for the best place to start is the story of Job.

Job suffered loss that few, if any, of us can imagine or understand. His story of grief and perseverance is one of the most fascinating and encouraging stories I have ever read. Job had three friends who immediately went to check on him. “Then they sat on the ground with Job for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to Job, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:13).

Unfortunately for Job, his friends didn’t stay silent, but I’ll let you read the story for yourself (if you haven’t already). Prepare to discover several principles for offering consolation during times of grief. You don’t know what people are going through. You don’t know how they feel. You don’t know what is best for them. You don’t know God’s plan, God’s reasons, God’s thoughts, God’s heart, or God’s purpose.

Don’t be in a hurry to give your insight and opinion. There’s certainly a time and place for guidance and counsel. It’s easy to know when that time is: the person will come to you and ask.

I have been through the difficulties and challenges of grief. I have listened as friends and family struggled to share what was in their heart. And I have searched for words myself, not knowing what to say or how to say it.

What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Sometimes knowing what not to say is our greatest guide. Here, simply stated, without explanation, are twelve things you should never say to a person who is grieving. Don’t even think about it. There is never a reason to make these comments. You might ask, “Why not?” It doesn’t matter. Just don’t say them.

1) I know exactly how you feel.

2) He’s in a better place now.

3) God has a plan that we don’t always understand.

4) God needed your tiny child in heaven.

5) It was just his time to go.

6) This really might have been for the best.

7) She’s not suffering anymore.

8) You will always have fond memories of him.

9) It’s gets better; time heals all wounds.

10) She wouldn’t want you to be sad.

11) Everything happens for a reason.

12) Let me know if there’s anything I can do.

What Do You Say Instead?

So, what should you say? It’s simple really. So simple we can’t find it within ourselves to do it. What is it?

Nothing.

Nothing. Don’t say anything. Will it be awkward and uncomfortable? Yes, for you, but not for them.

Don’t say a word. Just look them in the eye, shake their hand, give them a hug … and stand there with them. Or sit with them. Job’s friends had it right at first. They just sat with Job for seven days. Their efforts fell apart when they opened their mouths and tried to sound spiritual.

So does there come a time for talking? Of course. Who should talk? The grieving person. Your part is to provide a safe haven for a hurting soul.

Simply ask what happened. When my wife suddenly passed away, I found a healing balm in repeating the story each time someone asked. It helped me process and unravel the images and emotions tangled up in my mind. Ask them to tell you their thoughts at that moment. Speaking words from inside my heart drove fear and doubt into the light where they held less power and terror. It won’t be easy; keep encouraging them to talk.

When we lose a loved one, a significant part of our life is gone. When someone sits with us, or walks with us, or listens to us, some of the emptiness—even if just for a few moments—is filled with friendship, caring, and love. That means more than carefully crafted and superbly spoken words.

Just sit there. Hearts have more to say when we let them speak in silence.

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What are some comments you have heard or said that might have been better not spoken? What thoughts do you have on how to support those who are grieving? Let me know in the comments below. I would love to hear from you.